So, once again, those of you who followed me here from MySpace know that sometimes I add bits of history mixed with fiction and blurred memory. This style of writing is how I imagine my book will be, should I ever finish it to my own satisfaction. I'd like to share a short bit that came to me on Friday, and I'd like to know what you all think:
____________________________________________________________________
I walked into my boss' office to ask her a question. On her desk was a small plastic bag that said "Chik-Fil-A Seasoned Croutons." In that moment, I had a flash of memory so powerful it almost buckled my knees. Something so random, so unobtrusive...so seemingly innocuous as a bag of croutons that came with a salad from a fast-food restaurant...nearly brought me down. It was a strange flashback...happy and sad and nostalgic and bittersweet and everything a good flashback should be, I suppose. You see, I once shared a bag of croutons just exactly like that with a boy I'll call Stu. (I'll leave y'all to figure out who this is, and a big ol' batch of brownie points to the person who guesses correctly!) Stu & I had both been hired for seasonal employment by the lovely Eskimo Joe's Clothes that was coming to our mall for the Winter Holiday Season. (I'm not offended by Christmas season, but I'm trying to be inclusive here and I think that's a fairly open & respectful term. Again, this is a blog for another time.) We were there in a huge store piled high and packed full with boxes and boxes of t-shirts and sweatshirts and plastic cups and key rings and pencils and bandanas. Stu & I were in the first blush of our very long-standing and eventually very complicated flirtation. The way he smiled at me that day, when he offered me a crouton out of that baggie...I couldn't comprehend that that bright grin was meant for me. I had a boyfriend at the time, but Stu was single (I think--I wasn't very good at keeping track of his relationships because later, it mattered very little to me if he was seeing someone or not...I wanted what I wanted and I very nearly always got it).
At any rate, his smile...it did more than disarm me. It flipped my feelings for him inside-out. My intuition told me that he and I would end up tangled together emotionally and physically, but my reason wouldn't allow me to believe it. Turns out, my intuition was right, but that's a story for another day, children. On that day, that smile and those croutons were enough for me.
The day after the crouton-sharing flirtation incident, I was fired from that job because the woman who'd been hired to be the manager of that store was a complete idiot. I had 2 other jobs but had given her 3 days of the week that I could work and she couldn't figure out how to work me into the schedule. I so badly wanted to tell her that but for school and my other jobs, I could've easily been in her position, but I was too stunned to speak. I'd never been fired before (nor since) and I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I knew it wasn't for anything I'd done wrong but I cried nonetheless. Rejection stings, regardless of the source. I walked quickly past Stu on the way out and with one look, he had a pretty good idea what had happened. I knew he was sad for me but also sad that the possibility of the 2 of us would have to be postponed for another time. I called my boyfriend, who left work in the middle of the day to come home and mope with me over this stupid job at which I'd only worked for a few hours. He felt to both of us like a hero, at least for that day.
But Stu with his long-limbed fluidity and daylight-bright grin and his croutons and whip-smart jokes...He was still there with me, in my mind, my heart, my soul...I guess I should say, he is still with me. Stu is part of my history, my creation, my growth...he is hilarity and heartbreak and ice cream in bed and soaking in the hot tub and driving around aimlessly...There is so much more to this story, boys and girls, but I'm sorry to say that you'll just have to wait.
I hope you enjoyed this little snippet. Feedback, please.
All my love,
Lola
Monday, July 20, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
as if that wasn't enough...
So, my Dad called me this morning to let me know that his mother (my grandmother aka MiMa) passed away. She had been in hospice care at home for over 5 years, so it's not like we weren't prepared for this. It's almost more of a relief because now I know she's not so uncomfortable anymore and that she's finally found some peace and respite. She lived a good, long life, and she fought really hard to stay as long as she could, but I know she was ready for this. And to be awfully blunt about it, we weren't close. Having older parents has meant having older grandparents. My paternal grandfather died when I was 2 or 3, so I don't really remember him. My Momsie was adopted by her aunt as a child after her parents essentially abandoned her, so her Aunt (aka Nana) was essentially my maternal grandmother, and she died several years ago. Needless to say, I'm not really close to anyone in my family beyond my parents. My siblings & I (there are a LOT of us, and that's a blog for another day) have our moments, but I wouldn't say we're close. It's alright; we're just not like that...I don't know how to explain it, but it works for us. (I will say that we ALL have our groups of what DH & I call "Framily," or "friend family," which is essentially family we've chosen for ourselves. I think they're just as important as blood relatives.)
At any rate, MiMa and I have never really understood each other or even spent a great deal of time together. I've often wondered if I would feel guilty about this after she died. Well, here we are, and I have to say I really don't. The effort wasn't there on either side. She was a very sweet, darling woman, but her favorite topic was who was sick, dying, and dead (and these were NEVER people I knew in any way). The grandparents never really participated in my upbringing or ever came to grandparent's days at school or attended my theatre or musical performances, and I never really went over there to visit with them. I tried attending church with them a few times, but even then, organized religion made me nervous (and nothing against the Church of Christ, but it's REALLY not my cuppa tea.) I guess what I'm trying to say in a really long-winded way is that I'm not really sad about it. I'm more sad for my dad and for her husband, who's left behind with Alzheimer's and diabetes, and I reckon he's probably not far behind her, sadly.
I'm also just sort of thinking that the timing of all this is really sucky, but whatever. I told a friend on the phone earlier that I've reached the point where if I don't laugh, I will break down and scream and cry and throw things, which is not going to solve anything. All these things have happened and/or are happening, and there's nothing I can do to change any of it. So all I can do is just keep moving forward, focused on the future. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
Lola
At any rate, MiMa and I have never really understood each other or even spent a great deal of time together. I've often wondered if I would feel guilty about this after she died. Well, here we are, and I have to say I really don't. The effort wasn't there on either side. She was a very sweet, darling woman, but her favorite topic was who was sick, dying, and dead (and these were NEVER people I knew in any way). The grandparents never really participated in my upbringing or ever came to grandparent's days at school or attended my theatre or musical performances, and I never really went over there to visit with them. I tried attending church with them a few times, but even then, organized religion made me nervous (and nothing against the Church of Christ, but it's REALLY not my cuppa tea.) I guess what I'm trying to say in a really long-winded way is that I'm not really sad about it. I'm more sad for my dad and for her husband, who's left behind with Alzheimer's and diabetes, and I reckon he's probably not far behind her, sadly.
I'm also just sort of thinking that the timing of all this is really sucky, but whatever. I told a friend on the phone earlier that I've reached the point where if I don't laugh, I will break down and scream and cry and throw things, which is not going to solve anything. All these things have happened and/or are happening, and there's nothing I can do to change any of it. So all I can do is just keep moving forward, focused on the future. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.
Lola
Thursday, July 9, 2009
the latest but for sure not the greatest...
Well, boys & girls, it's official: The DH is having spinal surgery August 17th. That's 2 days before school starts...in other words, CRUNCH TIME for me at my job. Imagine working in retail and having to tell your manager that you can't work the day after Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve...only my Black Friday and Christmas Eve are all rolled into one and repeated over & over for nearly 2 weeks. I hate doing this to my co-workers. I know they understand and are really supportive, and that if an emergency had come up, the result would be the same. But I feel that if I could do anything to prevent them from having to do my job at the worst possible time of year for them to be doing it, I would love to. Unfortunately, all I can do is pre-emptively strike everything possible, and stay on top of the current work so that I don't leave them in a deficit right out of the box.
This also means that we are cutting our precious vacation in half. I simply cannot take 2 weeks off, at the busiest time of the year, then come back for 2 weeks and then take 2 more weeks off to take care of DH. So instead of our lovely, leisurely drive down to Dallas to visit friends, then up to Washington with a week to hang out in Seattle...a new tattoo for me...the Seattle Aquarium...Pike Place Market...and great shopping, followed by a week of hanging out with his family and then his 20th high school reunion, then driving home? We get just the 2nd week, with the family and the reunion. There will be nothing leisurely about this trip. Not much in the way of relaxation or great shopping, and definitely no tattoo. No visiting Mecca for Coffee Drinkers (aka the original Starbucks!) and no going to the top of the Space Needle or spending the day at the Music Experience, if that's what we want to do. Instead, it's family and a huge group of people I don't know. Please don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge DH the family visit or the reunion. I bought a smokin' hot dress and a new Coach purse and some Louboutins so that I can strut in there and let them know that 20 years ago, I was starting 7th grade and how does that make them feel? (What can I say? It's good to be the "trophy wife.") I am sure we will both enjoy the reunion and relaxing on the farm and eating fish tacos at Cactus Ya-Ya. But none of this trip is about me. The me part has been cut right out. Yes, I know how selfish this sounds. Know what? I don't care. A vacation is all about being selfish, especially when you don't have any children to worry about. It's my bloody vacation, too, and I should be able to do something I want to do. We aren't going to Disney World or Boston as we originally wanted, and now we're not even going to the compromise part of the 3rd string vacation to Seattle! *Le Sigh* Honestly, though, it's not just the "me" part I'm going to miss, it's the "us" part. No quality time for DH & Wifey-Pooh (that's me, ya'll!) No romance, no dates, no nada. Just stress, family, rushing, and then hauling our a$$es back. I wish I could say I'm sorry if I sound like a bitter hag, but I'm not. I get that we're still lucky enough to take this time (I hope!) and at least won't miss out on his reunion. But it's not what we wanted. Not entirely, anyway.
I am lucky enough to have an amazing group of friends around me, who are all lending their love and support. Thank you all for that, and please keep it up! You shall be handsomely rewarded.
Freaked out but loved,
Lola
This also means that we are cutting our precious vacation in half. I simply cannot take 2 weeks off, at the busiest time of the year, then come back for 2 weeks and then take 2 more weeks off to take care of DH. So instead of our lovely, leisurely drive down to Dallas to visit friends, then up to Washington with a week to hang out in Seattle...a new tattoo for me...the Seattle Aquarium...Pike Place Market...and great shopping, followed by a week of hanging out with his family and then his 20th high school reunion, then driving home? We get just the 2nd week, with the family and the reunion. There will be nothing leisurely about this trip. Not much in the way of relaxation or great shopping, and definitely no tattoo. No visiting Mecca for Coffee Drinkers (aka the original Starbucks!) and no going to the top of the Space Needle or spending the day at the Music Experience, if that's what we want to do. Instead, it's family and a huge group of people I don't know. Please don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge DH the family visit or the reunion. I bought a smokin' hot dress and a new Coach purse and some Louboutins so that I can strut in there and let them know that 20 years ago, I was starting 7th grade and how does that make them feel? (What can I say? It's good to be the "trophy wife.") I am sure we will both enjoy the reunion and relaxing on the farm and eating fish tacos at Cactus Ya-Ya. But none of this trip is about me. The me part has been cut right out. Yes, I know how selfish this sounds. Know what? I don't care. A vacation is all about being selfish, especially when you don't have any children to worry about. It's my bloody vacation, too, and I should be able to do something I want to do. We aren't going to Disney World or Boston as we originally wanted, and now we're not even going to the compromise part of the 3rd string vacation to Seattle! *Le Sigh* Honestly, though, it's not just the "me" part I'm going to miss, it's the "us" part. No quality time for DH & Wifey-Pooh (that's me, ya'll!) No romance, no dates, no nada. Just stress, family, rushing, and then hauling our a$$es back. I wish I could say I'm sorry if I sound like a bitter hag, but I'm not. I get that we're still lucky enough to take this time (I hope!) and at least won't miss out on his reunion. But it's not what we wanted. Not entirely, anyway.
I am lucky enough to have an amazing group of friends around me, who are all lending their love and support. Thank you all for that, and please keep it up! You shall be handsomely rewarded.
Freaked out but loved,
Lola
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Deciding what to share & an update on the sitch...
Even though I am now posting my blog on this very public forum, I struggle with what I can/should/will disclose here. I always get caught in a war between wanting to share and get feedback and support or even arguments, versus protecting myself and thereby my loved ones as well. As of right now, I will try to give you a picture of what's going on while still maintaining some semblance of privacy. That's also why I haven't really updated my profile on here--I'm trying to figure out what to keep & what to give away, as it were.
Here's a vague idea of what I'm dealing with at the moment:
As of right now, my life is in complete turmoil. Work is crazy, my house is a mess, and all my near-future plans are up in the air once again. The DH has a herniated disk between C6 & C7 vertebrae, and his medical team all believed that while surgery was a likelihood, physical therapy would help enough for a while. Right about the same time this diagnosis was handed down, we had some other turmoil with his employer (AKA the US Army) deciding that he had been stateside long enough & it was time to get him out of the country. Our choices were pretty unattractive: Move to another post elsewhere in the country, from where he would likely deploy to the Middle East; or, he would volunteer to go to South Korea for a year so that he would be able to return to our home here. However, his medical team has decided that he cannot put off the surgery for a year while he is deployed, so it must be done very soon. They've scheduled the surgery for mid-August, which is the worst possible time for me with regard to my job. So we're trying to massage the dates a bit, a 6-month deferment on his orders is likely, and EVERYTHING we were planning for the next month or 2 is up in the air. I'm overwhelmed, upset, frustrated, scared, and just downright mixed up. I'm trying desperately to be strong and smart and keep everyone at least satisfied...I have so many proverbial balls in the air that something will have to give, and soon.
I don't care to get into my feelings/wishes/hopes/dreams for my DH's career right now, but suffice it to say, I would be totally happy to have him become a civilian. I know that financially it's not the best move, but I also know that money doesn't matter to me as much as my DH does. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time, but it's hard to keep re-arranging my thoughts and feelings to keep up with all the turmoil.
I've said this before, but again, for the new folks, let me say: I don't want pity or sympathy. I want support. I don't want to be told any bullshit about how "it'll all work out" or "it's ok" or "it could be worse." I'm perfectly aware of all of those things. Just try to imagine yourself in my position right now and think about what YOU would want to hear before you offer up your sentiments. I'm just trying to get through, all I can do is all I can do, and I know that it will work out however it's supposed to.
Wishing for Peace & Calm,
Lola
Here's a vague idea of what I'm dealing with at the moment:
As of right now, my life is in complete turmoil. Work is crazy, my house is a mess, and all my near-future plans are up in the air once again. The DH has a herniated disk between C6 & C7 vertebrae, and his medical team all believed that while surgery was a likelihood, physical therapy would help enough for a while. Right about the same time this diagnosis was handed down, we had some other turmoil with his employer (AKA the US Army) deciding that he had been stateside long enough & it was time to get him out of the country. Our choices were pretty unattractive: Move to another post elsewhere in the country, from where he would likely deploy to the Middle East; or, he would volunteer to go to South Korea for a year so that he would be able to return to our home here. However, his medical team has decided that he cannot put off the surgery for a year while he is deployed, so it must be done very soon. They've scheduled the surgery for mid-August, which is the worst possible time for me with regard to my job. So we're trying to massage the dates a bit, a 6-month deferment on his orders is likely, and EVERYTHING we were planning for the next month or 2 is up in the air. I'm overwhelmed, upset, frustrated, scared, and just downright mixed up. I'm trying desperately to be strong and smart and keep everyone at least satisfied...I have so many proverbial balls in the air that something will have to give, and soon.
I don't care to get into my feelings/wishes/hopes/dreams for my DH's career right now, but suffice it to say, I would be totally happy to have him become a civilian. I know that financially it's not the best move, but I also know that money doesn't matter to me as much as my DH does. I'm just trying to get through one day at a time, but it's hard to keep re-arranging my thoughts and feelings to keep up with all the turmoil.
I've said this before, but again, for the new folks, let me say: I don't want pity or sympathy. I want support. I don't want to be told any bullshit about how "it'll all work out" or "it's ok" or "it could be worse." I'm perfectly aware of all of those things. Just try to imagine yourself in my position right now and think about what YOU would want to hear before you offer up your sentiments. I'm just trying to get through, all I can do is all I can do, and I know that it will work out however it's supposed to.
Wishing for Peace & Calm,
Lola
Monday, July 6, 2009
The keys to Lola...
...or at least some help in understanding some of my commonly-used terms:
DH=Darling Husband, or Damnit Honey! They mean the same thing anyway. lol
DA=Dumb Ass, though they're also his initials...he's a particular obsession of mine. Those of you who are following my blog from MySpace to here know all the gory details. (Well, most of them, anyway...) Those of you who are new to this with me should have some background. However, it's too long for me to post right now, so I'll get into that one later. Suffice it to say, he is still one of my "favorite" topics.
Splenda Daddy=My Splenda Daddy has the title of fake boyfriend #1. He's older than me, but he doesn't actually give me money or pay for my housing or feed me or sleep with me or anything. So he's not a sugar daddy but a sugar substitute. Hence, Splenda Daddy. He's just a darling, gorgeous older man with whom I am slightly obsessed.
Adam Levine=My #2 fake boyfriend. He would likely prefer that I call him William Shatner (have I said too much?!), but the 1st time I saw him, he reminded me of Adam Levine. In fact, I called him that. At any rate, he's a tall, gorgeous blue-eyed obsession of mine. I just can't figure him out and it makes me crazy...
The Original Future Husband #2=Well, this is sort of self-explanatory, no? He & I agreed to be each other's 2nd spouses, long before I got married even. He's not married yet, but he once told me he wanted enough kids to have his own baseball team, so he better get crackin'. That's why I agreed to be Wife #2. #1 can have the kids & raise 'em, then they can support us in our trailer down by the lake...
Let's see, what else? I suppose those of you who don't know me might be a tad confused. Suffice it to say, I'm madly in love with my DH and completely faithful. HOWEVER, I am an incorrigible flirt, and that is why I have all the extra boyfriends & such. They make my wonderful life even happier.
I'm a Pastafarian. If you don't know what that is, get thee to http://www.venganza.org/ IMMEDIATELY and begin your new education.
I don't want children. I don't like children (with the exception of a special few). They make me uncomfortable to an extreme degree. However, nearly all the charities I support are children's charities. Figure that one out.
I don't believe in the death penalty anymore. To learn about the case that changed my mind, please visit http://www.wm3.org/. For a more impartial look at the case, check out http://www.trutv.com/, click on the TruTV library and search "West Memphis Three." See also "Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills" documentary. If you already believe our legal system is broken, this will infuriate you. If you think our legal system is totally fair and impartial, this will rock your world. It can happen to you.
I'm an actress, a singer, a dancer, a movie slut, a TV addict, a relentless flirt. I love Havianas flip flops and Christian Louboutin heels. I follow fashion and love makeup and jewelry, but I am not afraid to be seen in public wearing Victoria's Secret jammie bottoms. I love food & wine, good conversation and dark humor. I'm wild and complicated and random and actually quite in love with myself (in a healthy way, of course!) but I'm not above making an ass of myself or being the butt of a good joke. I'm intelligent but also known to be kind of a dingbat. I love a good argument, Monty Python, text messaging, and photography. I love aquariums, road trips with my husband, tattoos, piercings, and postcards. I read...I read A LOT! Books, magazines, cereal boxes, the newspaper, online gossip, you name it. I cannot be summed up.
I leave you with the immortal words of Evita Peron as imagined by Andrew Lloyd Weber:
"Have I said too much? There is nothing more I can think of to say to you...But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true..."
Hugs & Kisses,
Lola
DH=Darling Husband, or Damnit Honey! They mean the same thing anyway. lol
DA=Dumb Ass, though they're also his initials...he's a particular obsession of mine. Those of you who are following my blog from MySpace to here know all the gory details. (Well, most of them, anyway...) Those of you who are new to this with me should have some background. However, it's too long for me to post right now, so I'll get into that one later. Suffice it to say, he is still one of my "favorite" topics.
Splenda Daddy=My Splenda Daddy has the title of fake boyfriend #1. He's older than me, but he doesn't actually give me money or pay for my housing or feed me or sleep with me or anything. So he's not a sugar daddy but a sugar substitute. Hence, Splenda Daddy. He's just a darling, gorgeous older man with whom I am slightly obsessed.
Adam Levine=My #2 fake boyfriend. He would likely prefer that I call him William Shatner (have I said too much?!), but the 1st time I saw him, he reminded me of Adam Levine. In fact, I called him that. At any rate, he's a tall, gorgeous blue-eyed obsession of mine. I just can't figure him out and it makes me crazy...
The Original Future Husband #2=Well, this is sort of self-explanatory, no? He & I agreed to be each other's 2nd spouses, long before I got married even. He's not married yet, but he once told me he wanted enough kids to have his own baseball team, so he better get crackin'. That's why I agreed to be Wife #2. #1 can have the kids & raise 'em, then they can support us in our trailer down by the lake...
Let's see, what else? I suppose those of you who don't know me might be a tad confused. Suffice it to say, I'm madly in love with my DH and completely faithful. HOWEVER, I am an incorrigible flirt, and that is why I have all the extra boyfriends & such. They make my wonderful life even happier.
I'm a Pastafarian. If you don't know what that is, get thee to http://www.venganza.org/ IMMEDIATELY and begin your new education.
I don't want children. I don't like children (with the exception of a special few). They make me uncomfortable to an extreme degree. However, nearly all the charities I support are children's charities. Figure that one out.
I don't believe in the death penalty anymore. To learn about the case that changed my mind, please visit http://www.wm3.org/. For a more impartial look at the case, check out http://www.trutv.com/, click on the TruTV library and search "West Memphis Three." See also "Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills" documentary. If you already believe our legal system is broken, this will infuriate you. If you think our legal system is totally fair and impartial, this will rock your world. It can happen to you.
I'm an actress, a singer, a dancer, a movie slut, a TV addict, a relentless flirt. I love Havianas flip flops and Christian Louboutin heels. I follow fashion and love makeup and jewelry, but I am not afraid to be seen in public wearing Victoria's Secret jammie bottoms. I love food & wine, good conversation and dark humor. I'm wild and complicated and random and actually quite in love with myself (in a healthy way, of course!) but I'm not above making an ass of myself or being the butt of a good joke. I'm intelligent but also known to be kind of a dingbat. I love a good argument, Monty Python, text messaging, and photography. I love aquariums, road trips with my husband, tattoos, piercings, and postcards. I read...I read A LOT! Books, magazines, cereal boxes, the newspaper, online gossip, you name it. I cannot be summed up.
I leave you with the immortal words of Evita Peron as imagined by Andrew Lloyd Weber:
"Have I said too much? There is nothing more I can think of to say to you...But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true..."
Hugs & Kisses,
Lola
Introduction
Hello All, and welcome to my new blog. My name is Lola Louboutin, so chosen because 1) whatever Lola wants, Lola gets and 2) because I love shoes and Louboutin's red soles speak to my red soul. That being said, however, I must say that this blog will not often be about shoes. (I can't say I will never write about shoes, because I do freakin' love shoes!) There are plenty of shoe blogs out there who can and will continue to do it better than I ever could. All in all, Lola is my alter-ego. I'm writing this blog because I love sharing, venting, arguing, explaining, and emotionally vomiting on line for others to read and commisserate with. Those of you who know me are already familiar with my style. Those of you who don't, I hope you will get to know me and allow me to get to know you as well.
Just to warn you all, I'm super-random and this blog will also be all over the place!
Thanks for your time and welcome along on this new journey I'm taking!
Lola
Just to warn you all, I'm super-random and this blog will also be all over the place!
Thanks for your time and welcome along on this new journey I'm taking!
Lola
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