"You're still in love with me," he says from my unconcsious, "aren't you?" I shake my head weakly as I try to process seeing him...and seeing him with her, no less...It hurts me. It shakes me to the core. Every. Fucking. Time. You were in a suit, and you looked at me like I was the most pathetic creature you had ever seen, and yet...and yet, not like you hated me. I know you don't hate me. But...
Why, DA? Why must you continue to haunt me? My mind, my heart, my body, my memory, my subconcious...Why? Just when I realize it's been...however long since I thought of you last...I realize that by thinking about not thinking about you, I've now started thinking about you again. And I don't want to think about you anymore. But I also don't want to not think of you ever again. I'm still learning how to navigate this. I still see it, you know--our future. I see the paths that we didn't take that could have brought us together...but the point is and always will be that we didn't take them. So even though what could have been is not what is, the possibility will always remain that what could have been will become what could be.
Ah, whateverthefuck. I'm rambling.
And to OFH2, I still hold out hope for you, too. I realize now that your imminent deployment caused you to throw me under the proverbial bus so that it would be easier for you to leave. I'm so tired of being treated this way. You have no right to devestate me, to demolish what we had, just to make your life easier. Here's the truth of the matter: Until you actually find the balls to tell me to fuck off, and I mean literally tell me in writing or verbally to "FUCK OFF," I will still be here. My hope, my sad, strong hope, will stay with me until you murder it. So do with it as you must.
Dreamily,
Lola
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Wow. So many things you are holding on to. I have wonder why? I know this is what makes you, you. It is all an intricate part of your life; but you have lived that page or chapter and moved on to new adventures! :P
ReplyDeleteThough, from reading your posts on here and FB, I gather you are a cancer as well as I. (just looked at your FB profile, I was right.) I understand where you are coming from with a lot of this. Unfortunately I have a tendency to do it to. Always left with the "what ifs" of unfinished relationships. The ones that are finished were an important part of your life and you don't want to let go of that piece. Would almost feel like loosing part of you. Friendships are important to you. More than some might realize.
Of course I could be entirely wrong and just speaking out of my ass here. I don't think I am though. ;) It is just a matter of balancing it all out in your life. Keeping the memories, but not letting them consume you. If you ever want to talk or vent in private, just let me know.
Some things I hold on to, some things hold on to me. I don't know why, but yes, I suspect it has something to do with me being me and some to do with me being a Cancer and some even to do with me being a writer.
ReplyDeleteYou're not wrong, you're absolutely right. I think I've struck a good balance most of the time...but for the times I don't, that's why I write here.
Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting!
Lola
It is rough. Keeping the balance and not going crazy while doing it. I am willing to bet that you are a little more intuitive than most. You feel things. Especially when close to others. You know whats going on with people who are close to you even when they are not there with you. This can really mess with your head when they are in a relationship shortly after ending yours. It takes some practice to focus and separate that part of you from what is in front of you.
ReplyDeleteThings really pushed hard on me here about 3 years ago. I have always had people come to me wanting to vent and looking for advice. I got to the point I just grew tired of it and ignored things. Heh, it did not go so well. Life had kicked my ass and beat me back into reality before I would listen. I am now starting over in life. It was funny. When I decided to start "listening" again, I had person step up to me and tell me about their ex husband and how things are going between them. It has been going strong since. We all have our role in life. Ours is to listen and help. We get the hurt and sometimes crazy tossed at us. It can make it hard to keep a normal relationship with people. All I can say is keep what is important in focus and don't let your past rule your life. Take it all as a learning experience and grow from it.