*le sigh*

I had an awful night last night. I couldn't sleep well and when I did I had fitful dreams and tossed and turned. The brief flashes of dreams have already escaped my memory. I feel down, I feel blue, and I feel...well, I wish I were a teenage girl again and could close myself off in my room and mope with bad poetry and sad songs and weeping until I have it all out of my system.

Stu, I need you. Remember when some stupid boy broke my heart (or at least wounded my ego) and you would come over with ice cream and beer or burgers and shakes and we would play Tekken 3 on PlayStation until you were totally humiliated with losing? Or I'd come over to your parents' house and we'd stew in the hot tub until my problems were totally forgotten? Or you'd make a huge batch of pizza rolls or bowls of ramen and we'd watch some stupid movie and laugh and snuggle? I so need that right now. Of course, I also need what always happened after my tears were dried...I need it as much as I needed it then. I think we both took each other for granted. You always let me cry on your shoulder and you almost always took care of me and put things right again. There were only a couple of times you really let me down: The time I got dumped in OKC and called you and you couldn't tell me the one thing I needed to hear, and the time we both realized we weren't going to work it out. That was a longer, more amorphous time but there it is. I know that it all worked out for the best for both of us. Yet I also know that we could've had a future together if we'd wanted it. I think we just didn't want it enough at the right time. I also wish the rules were different and that I could get what I need from you without repercussion. Ah, well, it seems that is also not meant to be.

So the rejection from AL still stings, and I'm feeling pretty down on myself. Of course, there are MANY other factors contributing to this: I still think of DA all the time, my DH is leaving soon, I'm over-worked and over-stressed and tired. Please don't get me wrong: I know how lucky I am to have what I do, particularly in regard to the DH. But there is always going to be a lack of fulfillment, and I think it's just human nature. We all want what we can't have, whatever we have we don't want, the grass is greener and all that...

Sadly and with longing,
Lola