I had an awful night last night. I couldn't sleep well and when I did I had fitful dreams and tossed and turned. The brief flashes of dreams have already escaped my memory. I feel down, I feel blue, and I feel...well, I wish I were a teenage girl again and could close myself off in my room and mope with bad poetry and sad songs and weeping until I have it all out of my system.
Stu, I need you. Remember when some stupid boy broke my heart (or at least wounded my ego) and you would come over with ice cream and beer or burgers and shakes and we would play Tekken 3 on PlayStation until you were totally humiliated with losing? Or I'd come over to your parents' house and we'd stew in the hot tub until my problems were totally forgotten? Or you'd make a huge batch of pizza rolls or bowls of ramen and we'd watch some stupid movie and laugh and snuggle? I so need that right now. Of course, I also need what always happened after my tears were dried...I need it as much as I needed it then. I think we both took each other for granted. You always let me cry on your shoulder and you almost always took care of me and put things right again. There were only a couple of times you really let me down: The time I got dumped in OKC and called you and you couldn't tell me the one thing I needed to hear, and the time we both realized we weren't going to work it out. That was a longer, more amorphous time but there it is. I know that it all worked out for the best for both of us. Yet I also know that we could've had a future together if we'd wanted it. I think we just didn't want it enough at the right time. I also wish the rules were different and that I could get what I need from you without repercussion. Ah, well, it seems that is also not meant to be.
So the rejection from AL still stings, and I'm feeling pretty down on myself. Of course, there are MANY other factors contributing to this: I still think of DA all the time, my DH is leaving soon, I'm over-worked and over-stressed and tired. Please don't get me wrong: I know how lucky I am to have what I do, particularly in regard to the DH. But there is always going to be a lack of fulfillment, and I think it's just human nature. We all want what we can't have, whatever we have we don't want, the grass is greener and all that...
Sadly and with longing,
Lola
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
set me free, why don'tcha babe...
Disclaimer: Please do not read any further if you have trouble imagining me as an adult and therefore a sexual being. Thank you.
Dear "Adam Levine,"
(For those of you new to my blog, Adam is the code name for one of my fake boyfriends.)
Now you are haunting my dreams. Two nights in a row, I have dreamt of you. Last night was intense. I don't want to get into the details...flesh, heat, clean white sheets, pillow talk, and tattoos...and nothing but an endless night stretching before us. I ache for you--the pall of it lingers over my day today. I feel as though I am moving in a slow-motion fog...I miss you and I've never had you and it's just so fucking unfair. I want you. And that's not fair, either, but there it is. Please don't get me wrong, I do NOT wish to be unfaithful to my DH. But a girl needs a fantasy and this girl likes for her fantasies to play along a little bit.
Yet, in the almost two years we've known each other, you have never once taken me up on an inviatation to hang out, even when I promise to behave. You always have something better to do, or make other plans in spite of the invitation. Nor have you ever invited me out for coffee or a horror movie or any damn thing. Your constant rejection of me is finally starting to get to me. (My ego is strong and can really take a beating, apparently) I genuinely do not understand why you would not want to hang out with me. I think we could be great friends and I really don't get it. I know how desperate this sounds and I've reached the point of not caring. I just want to know why. This isn't a whine, it's a genuine need...I must know the reason. I have my theories, and if you're reading this, please just tell me if I'm close with one of the following:
1. You find me utterly repulsive, physically and mentally and you canNOT figure out why I won't leave you alone after all this time. Take a hint, already, Lola!
2. You find me vaguely interesting and not really physically repulsive, but have been completely honest with me regarding the reasons why you cannot hang out with me every time I've invited you--it's nothing personal, you're just busy and let's face it, rather inconsiderate.
3. You are just the type of person who keeps people at arm's-length until you feel you can trust them. But how are you ever to really get to know me if you refuse to hang out with me for longer than 5 minutes?!
4. My husband is the deal-breaker. Even though I've hidden nothing from him regarding my feelings about you, and even openly flirt with you in front of him and he's totally ok with it, you just can't wrap your brain around it and therefore feel you must keep your distance from me.
5. You are wildly attracted to me and wish desperately that you could ravage me in unspeakable ways but as I am married, you feel it best to keep your distance, as I am clearly not strong enough to resist the attraction between us.
I do want to know, so please enlighten me. However, I have very nearly decided that I'd rather you just be done with it and break my heart. If you don't want to count me among your friends, then please please please, just tell me. Fake break-up with me and have it done with. I can't stand to be strung-along any further. It won't be easy for me...I'll be fairly devestated inside and really won't be able to deal with it openly, but hey, that's why I have a blog. I've already lost DA for good (or at least until his current relationship meets it's end) and you're among my favorite remaining fake boyfriends. But I can't maintain such a one-sided relationship. If this is the most pathetic thing you've ever read, that's ok. I'm feeling kinda pathetic right now. All this unrequited wanting is exhausting.
This all boils down to the fact that I'm the kind of girl who can't take hints. I'm so blunt and open and honest that I really don't understand it when people are not blunt and open and honest with me. If you hate me and want me to leave you alone, then tell me. If in reading this you realize that all your refusal to hang out with me is really kinda silly and you'd like to get to know me better, then tell me. If you really do want me and feel that you can't hang with me because you're afraid I'm going to attempt to violate you, then tell me. But at least give me the chance to prove you wrong. If you read this and decide I'm a complete psycho, then I guess that's my cross to bear and I'll have to deal with it. But I can only come to terms with your feelings if you TELL ME.
My emotional freedom lies in your very sexy hands...
With love and lust,
Lola
Dear "Adam Levine,"
(For those of you new to my blog, Adam is the code name for one of my fake boyfriends.)
Now you are haunting my dreams. Two nights in a row, I have dreamt of you. Last night was intense. I don't want to get into the details...flesh, heat, clean white sheets, pillow talk, and tattoos...and nothing but an endless night stretching before us. I ache for you--the pall of it lingers over my day today. I feel as though I am moving in a slow-motion fog...I miss you and I've never had you and it's just so fucking unfair. I want you. And that's not fair, either, but there it is. Please don't get me wrong, I do NOT wish to be unfaithful to my DH. But a girl needs a fantasy and this girl likes for her fantasies to play along a little bit.
Yet, in the almost two years we've known each other, you have never once taken me up on an inviatation to hang out, even when I promise to behave. You always have something better to do, or make other plans in spite of the invitation. Nor have you ever invited me out for coffee or a horror movie or any damn thing. Your constant rejection of me is finally starting to get to me. (My ego is strong and can really take a beating, apparently) I genuinely do not understand why you would not want to hang out with me. I think we could be great friends and I really don't get it. I know how desperate this sounds and I've reached the point of not caring. I just want to know why. This isn't a whine, it's a genuine need...I must know the reason. I have my theories, and if you're reading this, please just tell me if I'm close with one of the following:
1. You find me utterly repulsive, physically and mentally and you canNOT figure out why I won't leave you alone after all this time. Take a hint, already, Lola!
2. You find me vaguely interesting and not really physically repulsive, but have been completely honest with me regarding the reasons why you cannot hang out with me every time I've invited you--it's nothing personal, you're just busy and let's face it, rather inconsiderate.
3. You are just the type of person who keeps people at arm's-length until you feel you can trust them. But how are you ever to really get to know me if you refuse to hang out with me for longer than 5 minutes?!
4. My husband is the deal-breaker. Even though I've hidden nothing from him regarding my feelings about you, and even openly flirt with you in front of him and he's totally ok with it, you just can't wrap your brain around it and therefore feel you must keep your distance from me.
5. You are wildly attracted to me and wish desperately that you could ravage me in unspeakable ways but as I am married, you feel it best to keep your distance, as I am clearly not strong enough to resist the attraction between us.
I do want to know, so please enlighten me. However, I have very nearly decided that I'd rather you just be done with it and break my heart. If you don't want to count me among your friends, then please please please, just tell me. Fake break-up with me and have it done with. I can't stand to be strung-along any further. It won't be easy for me...I'll be fairly devestated inside and really won't be able to deal with it openly, but hey, that's why I have a blog. I've already lost DA for good (or at least until his current relationship meets it's end) and you're among my favorite remaining fake boyfriends. But I can't maintain such a one-sided relationship. If this is the most pathetic thing you've ever read, that's ok. I'm feeling kinda pathetic right now. All this unrequited wanting is exhausting.
This all boils down to the fact that I'm the kind of girl who can't take hints. I'm so blunt and open and honest that I really don't understand it when people are not blunt and open and honest with me. If you hate me and want me to leave you alone, then tell me. If in reading this you realize that all your refusal to hang out with me is really kinda silly and you'd like to get to know me better, then tell me. If you really do want me and feel that you can't hang with me because you're afraid I'm going to attempt to violate you, then tell me. But at least give me the chance to prove you wrong. If you read this and decide I'm a complete psycho, then I guess that's my cross to bear and I'll have to deal with it. But I can only come to terms with your feelings if you TELL ME.
My emotional freedom lies in your very sexy hands...
With love and lust,
Lola
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