just a few suggestions, darlings...

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed herein are mine and mine alone.  They do not reflect the opinions of my friends, family, co-workers, employer, or anyone's but my own.

This is something else that's been weighing on my mind a lot lately, in large part because of what I do.  Without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that my job requires me to be intimately acquainted with applications.  And all the time, I see the silliest mistakes on these applications and can't help but wonder what people are thinking.  (I'll save my rant about peoples' wild and crazy names for another time, dears.)  So for all of your reading pleasure, I'd like to present Lola's Tips for Filling out Applications.  It matters not if they are job applications, loan or lease, college applications, or what.  I'm just asking for a little attention to be paid.

1.  If you're filling out an electronic application of some kind, TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS JUST AS RUDE AS IT IS ON FACEBOOK, VIA EMAIL, OR ANY OTHER TYPED COMMUNICATION SO PLEASE STOP DOING IT.  I KNOW IT'S EASIER BUT IT MAKES YOU LOOK LAZY AND I FEEL AS IF YOUR INFORMATION IS BEING SCREAMED AT ME FROM THE PAGE.  Ahem.  Thanks.

2.  Please know the difference between "County" and "Country."  It's really silly how often I see those two answers get mixed up, and it's always really obvious you just weren't paying attention.

3.  If the application asks for a nickname or preferred name, I promise it's referring to your preferred first name only.  If your legal last name and preferred last name don't line up, getting that paperwork squared away via the proper channels is on you, and it causes all kinds of havoc for me and my kind when you "accidentally" lie about what your legal name really is.  Also, even if you go by "Big Hoss," "McDangle," "Super Sassy," or "Babee Gurl," just stick with a derivative of your name, if that's what you go by, or leave it blank.  I'm assuming you're trying to make a good impression on whomever will be reading said application, so just consider that as you're filling it out.
     3.a.  If you list your preferred name as a school you previously attended, I'm going to wonder what question you thought you were answering.  I'm saying it because it's happened, folks.
      3.b.  If you've never legally had a different last name, it's not necessary to list your previous name as the name you currently have.

4.  If you can't spell the city or county in which you currently reside, I'm going to question your claim of legal residency.  Just sayin'.

5.  If an application asks for several phone numbers, such as your home, work and cell, and you list the same for all three, how am I to know if it's really a cell phone or a landline?  Sometimes this information is important.  If you only have a cell number, then simply list that in the proper space and leave the rest blank.

6.  If an application asks you for prior universities or colleges attended, and you list the school to which you're applying, including dates that occur in the future, you're making my life difficult.  Knock it off.  If you haven't been anywhere yet, that's ok, we all gotta start somewhere, right?

7.  If you're filling out an application for a job you've held before, an employer for whom you've previously worked, or re-admitting to a school of any kind, please don't assume that they have all of your most current information, or even that the old information they have on you is correct.  Generally, we treat every application as new, and sometimes don't even have the ability to double-check some of your old information (depending on the circumstances).  So please, be thorough and pretend that this is all brand-new information for us, even if you feel it's redundant.

8.  Your birthdate should be the day, month and year that you were actually birthed (or whatever your legal documentation says it is).  What I mean to say is that if you list your correct day and month but the current year as your date of birth, you again may be causing all kinds of havoc, so knock it off.  Please.

9.  Please learn the difference between "approximately" and "exactly."  They are two very different words with different meanings and should be treated as such. 

10.  Trust me, the application is interested in what you actually accomplished, not what you were enrolled in or hoping to complete.  For example, if you list that you earned 12 credit hours from the University of Bologna, but then indicate you also earned a Bachelor's degree from said school, but don't list any other colleges you've attended, I have to wonder what's going on.  Either you earned 12 hours and completed a degree with work earned at another school, or you earned 12 hours and NOT a degree.

11.  The emergency contact information we ask for is for your own good.  You don't have to fill it out, that's cool with me, I get it.  But if you do, please ensure you list their complete name (first and last--I don't want to make any assumptions about their relation to you), the complete address if it's asked for (I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a street address but no city or state--we do actually utilize this information), and finally, be sure you list the complete phone number--that's the MOST IMPORTANT PART!  I canNOT assume that the phone number you listed is attached to a local area code, especially when you didn't give me a city or state with the address!  Also, if the application asks for this person's relationship to you, I'd rather you leave it blank than put "Baby Mama."  (Again, I'm saying this because it has happened.)

12.  And finally, please, just be honest.  If you lie, mis-represent information, or try to get something over on us, we WILL find out.  Just trust me, we have our ways.  I certainly understand honest mistakes, not knowing exact dates or amount of credit earned, but if you lie and say you attended a school you didn't, you're causing extra work for yourself AND me.  Also, if you conveniently leave off a certain school you attended because you didn't perform as well as you'd hoped academically speaking, we WILL find out, and you'll cause extra work for a whole lot of people, including yourself.

My darlings, I don't think all people who fill out applications and make mistakes on them are idiots, and I hope you haven't been given this impression.  I want you all to make smashing good impressions on the people reading your applications, and I want to help you help yourself.  Please, just take your time, pay attention, and if you have questions, ASK THEM! 

Helpfully,
Lola

a little catching up...

The DH is all hard-working monkey now that he's retired...2 part-time jobs and will be going to school full-time in just over a week.  So I'll have time, maybe, to post more.  I'll try anyway.  OK, I'll think about it more.  I really do have things I want to write about, and sometimes I even make notes, but somehow I rarely manage to make/take the time and I should, because I love it so much.  Even if none of you are reading it, though I hope you are.  At the moment, I'm updating my iTunes, which is quite a chore because of the seemingly billions of podcasts I listen to.  Plus I had to buy some new music, and take some old stuff off--you know the deal.  What I'm saying is that I'm in front of the compy here at home, got some music playing, checking my Facebook, and typing away.  Cold beer in front of me, kittehs at my feet, and here we go...

The 1st thing that springs to mind that I've been wanting to write about is poop.  Well, maybe not poop specifically, but poop-adjacent...um...apropos of poop...OK, I think you get the point.  Those of you who know me personally know that I will rarely pass up a chance for a conversation about poop.  I love to talk about poop, largely because everyone does it but it's still such a verboten topic, and it makes me laugh.  Plus I enjoy making people uncomfortable.

So I have this sort of on-going battle happening in the restroom at work.  There are close to 30 or 35 people altogether working on my floor, and nearly all of them are women.  We have 3 stalls, and for some bizarre reason, 2 urinals...Yes, it's strange.  Yes, I've seen feet in those stalls, which is even stranger.  Anyway, I personally sometimes feel that 1 stall should be the designated poop stall, although I realize this could present a problem if more than 1 of us needs to poop at the same time, so practicality deems that we scratch that idea.  My issue is the air freshener (which shall heretofore be referred to as "AF.")  We generally all take turns purchasing a can or 2 of air freshener for the bathroom, which is placed on the floor between 2 of the stalls.  Look I get it, easy access for both, right?  Sure.  I don't like it, I prefer my AF to be placed on top of the toilet paper dispenser, for discreet access.  I mean, I like discretion even though I like to talk about poop.  So usually when I require the AF, I kick the flusher to cover up the noise of the spray, then quietly place the giant metal can of AF on the toilet paper dispenser.  Makes sense, right?  But every time I come back in there, there the AF is, on the floor once more.  Fine, I get it.  Except.  Except that now, we have 2 cans of AF.  That's right, there's enough for 2 of the 3 stalls to have their own, and therefore both be designated as poop stalls.  So why, for FSM'S SAKE WHY, do I continue to come into the bathroom and find BOTH cans sitting inches away from one another, beneath the stall divider?!?!  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND why they BOTH now need to be placed on the floor, especially TOGETHER!  I don't think we really need variety of fragrance choices at work when it comes to pooping.  Lavender, vanilla, lemon, I don't give a shit (see what I did there?) as long as it covers the fucking poop smell!!  But no.  No, I must be subjected to this non-stop, passive-aggressive battle over proper placement of the AF.  Fucks' sake. DISCLAIMER: The views expressed herein are mine & mine alone. They do not reflect those of my friends, family, co-workers, employer, or anyone else I know.

The other minor thing is that I've been having really elaborate, very vivid dreams lately, and not all of them are medication-induced, alcohol-induced, or food-induced.  At least I don't think they are.  I've always done this, but lately I seem to be remembering them more.  Last night I dreamed that I was living in a post-Utopian future, and I was an indentured sex servant to a soldier (hint: he looked a bit like a young Hugh Jackman bred with Ryan Reynolds) in this really extreme, futuristic military faction.  The problem was that we were in love with each other, but if anyone found out, we could both be killed.  It was very intense and romantic and a little sexy but also sort of sad.

I have other things to share with you, but I think I'm going to save those to another post so as not to get too terribly messy and stream-of-consciousness with you.

With love and poop,
Lola

On the death of Rodney King...

I don't know why, but learning of the death of Rodney King yesterday at the age of 47 has left me deeply saddened.

Like the OKC bombing, the OJ Simpson car chase and subsequent trial, the Rodney King beating and the riots that followed were major historical events from my teen years that I'll be unlikely to forget in my lifetime. I remember watching footage of King's beating at the hands of members of the LAPD and being absolutely horrified at the unwarranted violence. I thought things like that only happened in action or horror movies, not in reality, with sworn law-enforcement members nearly beating a man to death in the street.

I know that King was no angel. I don't remember why the LAPD even crossed paths with King. Honestly, I could look it up, but in the end, what difference does it make? What those men did to him was wrong, and I feel certain the circumstances did not warrant the treatment King received. I know he was no saint, but no one deserves what happened to him.

Later, when those officers were acquitted of their crimes, the riots that followed were utterly terrifying, even from so many states away. And yet, there King stood, before the media and anyone who would listen, begging for peace, for calm. He didn't want that to happen, never asked for it, and obviously didn't know how to handle being suddenly thrust into infamy. Truth be told, I don't know how anyone could've handled that.

So his struggles continued--his struggle to come to terms with his role in contemporary American history, his struggle with the national spotlight, his struggle to maintain his health and his sanity. I confess, I'm a fan of "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew." Mostly because Dr. Drew is sex on toast...but also because I find that humanizing these "celebrities" reminds me that in spite of all our differences, people are people, and the afflictions are the same. So I remember watching him and crying because he just seemed like such a sweet, gentle man, still grappling with all his proverbial demons on top of his addiction. It was just so goddamned sad, so real, so brutally honest, and so heart-wrenching.

I had hope for him, as I do for almost everyone, sometimes to my detriment. I hoped that he had finally moved on with his life, retired to find some sort of peace. I guess those demons just wouldn't let go, and finally dragged him to the bottom of his swimming pool in the wee hours of Sunday morning. I don't believe in an afterlife, so I hope that in death he simply found a release from the turmoil he fought with his entire adult life.

I hope we who are left behind can remember the awful lessons we learned during that time. I hope we can find some way to honor the memory of a man who never seemed able to find his saving grace in life. I hope to never witness another event like that in my lifetime. I hope to never forget.

Peacefully,
Lola

Memorial Day...

I'm seeing a LOT of Facebook & Twitter posts about honoring veterans and soldiers today. "Freedom isn't free," "Thank you for your sacrifice," and my personal favorite, "Never forget..." (insert supportive military sentiment/patriotic cliche here). And I just have to say, for myself anyway, that forgetting isn't possible. I couldn't forget...literally not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I remember the injured, the dead, the veterans, those currently serving...they are all so close to me...

My DH is in the process of retiring after 23 years of active-duty service in the U.S. Army.
His brother M was a commissioned officer in the Army for a time, and his little sister A is currently serving as a medic in the Army. Their dad has served in the Navy for years.
My sister N is currently serving in the Air Force and is a Lt. Col. and totally an awesome badass.
Her husband W served in the Navy.
My brother K retired after 23 years of service in the Navy, and his son C is also now serving in the Navy.
My brother B was in the Air Force.
I have so many exes who were or are military, it's not even funny, to include a handful of one-night-stands.
Kids with whom I attended high school or college, or even met briefly once at some function are now lost to us.
I've had friends or relatives serving in nearly every branch of the U.S. military for as long as I can remember, since I grew up adjacent to an Army base.

Forgetting, ignoring, or not paying attention to those who serve isn't an option. I don't mean to sound ungrateful--what I mean to say is that I don't need a special fucking day set aside to acknowledge them, their service and their sacrifices. They are always on my mind. Every day, I dread reading the news or the obituaries just a little bit, because there is always a possibility that I will see the name & face of someone I know, or someone I once knew.

So today and every day, I salute those who serve, those who have served, and those who made the ultimate sacrifice.
Patriotically,
Lola

stuff like that there...

I am oh-so-sorry, my darling readers, that I haven't posted in literally months. I have plenty to say--words bubbling up like hot lava in a volcano, just bursting the seams of the earth with all the pressure--but I just haven't. I have been really busy lately, brain full of so many other things I can't keep everything straight...but honestly, I manage to find the time to do other things like watch movies and shop. I just get so tired and overwhelmed with all the other directions I'm being pulled in that I can't seem to muster the mental capacity to do this, too.

I find inspiration constantly. I make mental notes about things I need to talk about here. I may even go so far as to jot things down on a scrap of paper or post-it note...but somehow, something always seems to get in the way. Something stops me; laziness, boredom, anxiety, distraction, you name it. So I don't. And another day goes by in which I feel I've dropped yet another ball. And the shame spiral continues.

So I figured that tonight, after I placed my Sephora order, I would just do it. Just break the chain of days gone by with no bloggy word vomit. Just type. And here we are. Funny thing is, I don't have much to say at the moment. Maybe if I get back in a regular habit, if I force myself to take the time to bang something out on this keyboard at least a couple of times a week, it won't feel so daunting and I'll be much more interesting.

Right now, I'm on my very comfy couch. Wearing some of my favorite Victoria's Secret jammie bottoms, a black tank top, and a ratty old black hooded sweatshirt that is thin and soft and comfy. My hair is in a ponytail. The DH and I are watching some shows on our DVR. Laundry is tumbling in the dryer. I have a very sweet little orange cat named Maggie at my elbow, another fluffy love monster named Hector on the arm of the couch, and a dapper little tuxedoed cat named Rory on the chaise in the corner. DH & I had a small CPK margherita pizza and salad for dinner, and I savored a small glass of a blended red wine from Washington state. I'm wondering what the weather will be like tomorrow, what work will be like tomorrow, what my hair will be like tomorrow. The point I'm trying to make is that my life is so very normal, so mundane, so...perfect.

Perhaps next time I'll manage something more controversial, more annoying, more frustrating, more moving...just more. I promise to try.

 Lovingly, Lola

confronting mortality...

I find myself today, at the age of 33, confronting mortality. I learned of the death yesterday of a junior high & high school classmate. It's shocking and terrifying to be reminded that as a relatively healthy young person, I could still drop dead at any moment. I do NOT wish to make this tragedy about me--it is most certainly not. I hadn't seen him but a small handful of times since our graduation, though one of those times was at his wedding, to his junior high & high school sweetheart. The marriage didn't work out, though they both seemed to handle it with grace and dignity. My point is that I personally have not suffered a loss, at least not in my immediate circle. But this becomes about me in a very vague, existential sort of way--in that he was very close to my own age, in that our mothers have been acquainted since we were infants, in that it is simply not possible that someone like us could be dead.

When I think of him and our fellow classmates, although I have seen many of them in person, or at least via social networking, I still imagine us all frozen in time at roughly 15 or 16 years old. We were just children and it's so much easier to picture us all that way. Intellectually, I realize that we have grown up, many of us are married, have children and homes and careers. But I also almost feel that must be impossible--that any moment now, we'll all end up in the gym at a pep rally or something. I know this must seem ridiculous, but there it is.

I keep thinking of the sheer horror of his new wife and what she must be going through. Even briefly imagining this burns my heart. I think of his parents, his sister, his many friends. And I ache for them. I wish they never had to experience anything like this. I wish none of us did. I know that's not possible, but hey, that hope will always be there.

So as much as I don't want to commandeer this tragedy and make it about me, I seem to have managed this anyway. For that, I am so sorry. But I am human and in that way I am internalizing this loss. I mourn for a life cut all too short.

Tonight, the DH and I raised our pints to my fellow JJ. I hope those who feel his loss most acutely find peace and comfort. I hope that those of us left behind can carry on the memories, both good and bad. And I hope that we can all honor him by remembering to LIVE.

I love you all. May you never forget it.

Lola

ink & memories...

Hello, darling readers! I've been running at the mouth (and keyboard/keypad) for a couple of weeks now about how amazing my most recent tattoo experience was and how I wanted to blog about it. So here we are!

On Friday, July 18, I finally got a tattoo I've been talking about getting for a few years now--a rhododendron blossom ("rhodies" are the state flower of Washington) on the top of my right foot, in honor of my Momsie's birthplace. You see, I have a nautical/Texas star on the top of my right foot in honor of my Dad's birth state and thereby my heritage, so I've been wanting to balance that out with a Washington State tattoo on my other foot. Why did I pick my feet? Well, because those are my "roots," silly gooses!

I was so taken with this particular experience that I am compelled to write about it & share it with all of your because it really felt somehow fated--as though all the planets somehow aligned in order for me to get to have this happen. First of all, I had no clue when we got out there which studio I was going to go to, since I don't know anyone in Vancouver, WA who has tattoos and therefore had no real resource but the innanetz. I had done many searches and read many reviews but still really had not settled on any one tattoo shop. We had spotted some whilst driving around but they all looked super-sketch. Finally, the morning I had decided it was time to get it done, I did one last search on my phone, read more reviews, and chose 2 front-runners and a couple of also-rans, just in case. We headed out in the direction of the 1st one, in downtown Vancouver.

Now, downtown Vancouver had already been real good to me on this trip already--I found some lovely vintage goods, to include a mink stole for about $61, a paisley clutch, a woodcutting for the house, and some boutique gifties; I also enjoyed some of the most fabulous food & beer & atmosphere at a local pub. So I had a good vibe about this one already. The name of the shop is Hopeless Ink and right away, I kind of fell in love with it! It was super clean, even for a high-end tattoo shop. The art and decor was eclectic and fun and everything just felt really right. We got there right after opening, and it seemed only 1 artist was working--that artist was Joey Burnz. I vaguely recalled seeing his name in a LOT of the really great reviews this shop had gotten online. I showed him my reference photos & we talked about what I had in mind for the tattoo. He seemed to get really excited about it and took me back to his area in the back of the shop where he let me look at his "portfolio," which was posted almost entirely on his Facebook page. We went back & forth and got some ideas and he seemed to be almost giddy at the prospect of getting to do this tattoo! I'm telling you, every artist should be this excited. He told me that he loves tattooing flowers and his goal is to eventually tattoo 1 of every flower; also that he has not yet had the opportunity to tattoo a "rhodie," which he thought was strange since the shop is in Washington.

So I asked him if we could go ahead and get it knocked out, but he informed me that he had an appointment coming in at 1 (this was about 12:45 PM) and that he was booked up for nearly 3 months! But he hadn't heard from his appointment, in spite of having called her to confirm, and after some waiting in the lobby area, the front manager informed me that if the girl didn't show up by 1:15, I could have her appointment. Obviously, she couldn't make it (she did eventually call) so I snagged her spot! Joey was super-stoked to do it and as we were getting geared up, he told me he was also excited because he hasn't tattooed a walk-in in probably 2 years! LUCKY ME!!!

Now, let me tell you loves, this tattoo was not for the faint of heart. For those of you keeping track, this was #13 for me, and EASILY my most painful tattoo. I said cuss words. Out loud. I do NOT pay someone to stab me repeatedly with a needle and then bitch about it, so I tend to not complain during a tattoo, at least not out loud. But this sonofabitch hurt SO bad. It's much larger than the one on my other foot and took much longer, too, not to mention that Joey used at least 25 different colors in it! I took lots of deep breaths and blew a lot of air out through my teeth during this process. It didn't help that I was seated on a metal folding chair with my foot propped up on one of those adjustable, padded rests--so my ass kept falling asleep, as did my right foot, depending on which cheek I was resting on. There were a few places the pain was damn near unbearable, but I knew it was going to be totally worth it. So I shut up & took it. About 30 minutes in, Joey stops tattooing me for a second and says, "You know what? If I wasn't talking to you right now, I'd think you were asleep. You haven't moved AT ALL!" Over the course of the tattoo, which took about an hour & a half, a couple of the other shop guys came over and remarked that I was taking it like a champ, which naturally made me feel like a complete BAMF. Oh, because I am! LOL

Now, all that being said, the high wore off and the process of healing this sucker began. It's been a difficult one, being on the road, away from home. We were only in Vancouver for 1 more day, then headed down to California. Apparently, California fleas think I taste delicious, because I look like Trailer Park Barbie with about 30-40 bites, almost all concentrated on my left leg, and yup, you guessed it, right on my tattoo. Also because of the size and dimensions and location of the tattoo, my foot & ankle swelled up quite a bit, which was also challenging to manage while spending most of my time in the car or at the hospital with my in-laws. I texted a friend with tattoos on both of his feet to ask if his swelled up like that. He told me that not only had his feet swollen but they looked like 2nd-degree burns for a while. That gave me great comfort because that was almost exactly what I was working with! Here we are, 2 weeks later, and the swelling is nearly non-existent, the redness is mostly gone, and I just have a lot of dryness to contend with. I think once this last layer of dead skin falls off, it's going to be truly beautiful.

Aside from the healing part, I wish that everyone could have a tattoo experience like this. I especially hope that everyone can find a talented, enthusiastic, personable artist like Joey. If not, just fly to Vancouver & tell 'im I sent ya.

Inkily,
Lola