confronting mortality...

I find myself today, at the age of 33, confronting mortality. I learned of the death yesterday of a junior high & high school classmate. It's shocking and terrifying to be reminded that as a relatively healthy young person, I could still drop dead at any moment. I do NOT wish to make this tragedy about me--it is most certainly not. I hadn't seen him but a small handful of times since our graduation, though one of those times was at his wedding, to his junior high & high school sweetheart. The marriage didn't work out, though they both seemed to handle it with grace and dignity. My point is that I personally have not suffered a loss, at least not in my immediate circle. But this becomes about me in a very vague, existential sort of way--in that he was very close to my own age, in that our mothers have been acquainted since we were infants, in that it is simply not possible that someone like us could be dead.

When I think of him and our fellow classmates, although I have seen many of them in person, or at least via social networking, I still imagine us all frozen in time at roughly 15 or 16 years old. We were just children and it's so much easier to picture us all that way. Intellectually, I realize that we have grown up, many of us are married, have children and homes and careers. But I also almost feel that must be impossible--that any moment now, we'll all end up in the gym at a pep rally or something. I know this must seem ridiculous, but there it is.

I keep thinking of the sheer horror of his new wife and what she must be going through. Even briefly imagining this burns my heart. I think of his parents, his sister, his many friends. And I ache for them. I wish they never had to experience anything like this. I wish none of us did. I know that's not possible, but hey, that hope will always be there.

So as much as I don't want to commandeer this tragedy and make it about me, I seem to have managed this anyway. For that, I am so sorry. But I am human and in that way I am internalizing this loss. I mourn for a life cut all too short.

Tonight, the DH and I raised our pints to my fellow JJ. I hope those who feel his loss most acutely find peace and comfort. I hope that those of us left behind can carry on the memories, both good and bad. And I hope that we can all honor him by remembering to LIVE.

I love you all. May you never forget it.

Lola