just some words of experience...

I've been feeling lately that there are some things I need to share. I'm not typically given to dispensing unsolicited advice (or am I?), but I have some phrases that keep swimming around in my brain and I feel like they need to be put out here. And away we go...!

Just because you love someone does not mean you get to be with them. This is absolutely one of the HARDEST lessons I've had to learn in my life. This is also one of my most fundamental issues with the traditional Christian version of "Heaven." What about the people I love who don't love me back? Do I get some facsimile of them in Heaven? What about people who loved me but are not loved back by me? Does that mean I'm sentenced to spending eternity with them in Heaven--because that sounds WAY more like Hell to me. What if they're in Hell? What if someone in Heaven wants to be with me in Heaven, but I'm in Hell? Or vice versa? How can it be Heaven if I know someone I love is in Hell? (Yes, I recognize and acknowledge that this is one of the justifications for Christians trying to convert the rest of us. I still think it's BULLSHIT. JMHO.)

I've loved many many people who did not love me back. I have never stopped loving most of them. I couldn't stop, even if I wanted to. I can rattle off a handful of names right now. It doesn't hurt any less, but I've accepted (as much as I can) that the love is all on my end.

There is a difference between like, love, and in love. I firmly believe for a relationship to be successful, you need all three, though not necessarily in equal amounts or at the same time. For example, I love my family because they're family...but there are plenty of times I don't necessarily like them. Sometimes, the longer you're in a relationship, the more important it is to like the other person than to be in love with the other person.

Sometimes, relationships just flat don't work out. There may be a reason, there may be many reasons, or there may be no tangible reason at all. The other person may have been distracted, or feel they can't give you their best. Or you pick your nose and they find that off-putting. Or you just don't smell right to them. Perhaps they just decide they need to be elsewhere at that moment in time. Just remember that there is absolutely NOTHING YOU CAN SAY OR DO that will change their mind. If that change is to happen, it will take time and it will absolutely be on the OTHER PERSON'S time line. It's perfectly fine if you no longer feel the same way about them.

I truly think you can be absolutely IN LOVE with more than one person, at the same time. Different people invoke different reactions within us, but different does not equal less powerful. I wish we didn't feel that we had to stifle these reactions or fight against them. I think in a lot of ways, polyamorists have it right.

Sex does not equal love. Love does not equal sex. We must stop thinking of these actions as being mutually-inclusive.

Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean you have to be hateful to them. There are plenty of people I don't particularly care for, but I RARELY go out of my way to be mean to them. Stupid assholes are an exception to this.

As blunt and honest as I am, I still sometimes find it difficult to be honest about certain things. Mostly things that could make my life "better" or "easier" but would bring hardship to someone else. So...honesty is NOT always the best policy.

A dear friend once said to me, "Please know that just because I don't call and I don't get to see you as often as I'd like, it doesn't mean I don't think about you. It never means I've stopped caring. It just means life gets in the way sometimes."

If I had it all to do over again...I wouldn't. Because I'm happy with the woman I've become, and I don't believe I would be ME if I hadn't gone through what I've gone through. All the stupid things I did and continue to do must simply be chalked up to learning experiences.

That being said, don't be afraid to do something stupid, especially when you're young. Trust your instincts, though, your gut-feeling is there for a reason. You'll know immediately when you disregard that inner-voice that you shouldn't have done that.

I think this might be all I have to say about it all. For now, anyway...

Affectionately,
Lola