ok, now i'm just pissed off...

There is nothing like a trip to my local WalMart to remind me of just how much I loathe people in general. First I got gas at Sam's, and my anger-fire got stoked there right away. The lanes for the gas pumps are CLEARLY marked by signage AND paint that they are ONE WAY. People who have gotten gas at Sam's more than once should be aware of this. So WHO THE FUCK do these assholes think they are, going the WRONG WAY and thwarting all of us who are waiting in line the RIGHT way because we are decent human beings?! Is their time more valuable than mine? Apparently they think so. "Fuck you, I drive a gas-guzzling SUV for NO reason other than that it's BIGGER than your vehicle and BY GOD, I'm going to get MY gas however it suits me and you can kiss my ass!" That's essentially what they're saying to the rest of us who bother to do things the right way.

Then...WalMart...CROWDED...No baskets, only buggies. Great. Assholes. I need 3 fucking items and I have to push a cart around becuase they're too awkward to carry loosely. Fine. I get my cart, I put my cloth shopping bag and my purse in it and head toward the back of the store. I get my stuff. I ignore my brain screaming for COUNT CHOCULA LUCKY CHARMS BEN AND JERRYS CAKE PIE CANDY COOKIES CRACKERS MORE CHEESE POPCORN SNACKMIX DOUBLESHOTS POPTARTS MOUNTAIN DEW!!!!! I get my 3 items (milk, roasted red pepper hummus, and whole grain pita chips, if you must know), I push the unwieldy cart up to the front of the store and holy sweet mother of George Carlin the lines the fucking LINES! All the 20-items or less lines are backed up across the main aisle. All the regular lines are just as bad and of course, those people have more items. So I just pick a line and get in it, figuring they're all about the same, what's the difference? All the folks in front of and around me have 2-5 items, so I figure it won't be that bad. After a few minutes of no movement in front of me, I crane my neck to see the woman in front of the young man in front of me...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! She was doing a week's worth of grocery shopping!!! So here we are again, with this woman, this dumpy middle-aged soccer mom in a baggy t-shirt and matching dumpy shorts and fake blond hair, is saying to the rest of us that she is better and more important and she will do WHATEVER SHE PLEASES because NONE of us have the BALLS to confront her about it.

Look, I have my moments of rebellion, but they never (to my knowledge) inconvenience those around me. I am a selfish person. I can freely admit this and I'm ok with it. I'm selfish about the things I provide for myself, selfish about my time, selfish about the people I love, and selfish about many other things I don't need to list here. But because I'm really not, at heart, an asshole, or a disrespectful cunt (oh yes, I went there), or completely oblivious to those around me, and I manage to be a bitch while still being considerate, I'm unwilling to cut in lines or go the wrong way at a gas pump or blatantly ignore the "20-item or less" signs. I'm unwilling to assume that my time is any more valuable than that of other people. I'm unwilling to think that I'm more important than those behind me.

I could lament the loss of common courtesy, I could bemoan our society's sad ways. But really it's just a series of decisions we each make at any given moment. The "me first" attitude is something that is taught, just as good manners and consideration are taught. So please, all I'm asking is for each of you to THINK for a moment before you do something. CONSIDER the repercussions before you act on your own behest and disregard the feelings of those around you. All it takes is a handful of generous moments to make their day better. And this will make my day better. Which in turn makes your day better, because you don't have to read my ridiculous, screedy blogs anymore about what assholes people are.

Peacefully,
Lola

and now for something a little bit different...

Alright, I've got to write. I've got to vent but not at all in an angry way, just in a sort of word-vomity way. I actually had another blog started last night before my wireless internet decided to shit the bed...I saved it as a Word document and filed it away. I've got a lot on my mind, a heavy heart, and a burdned soul. None of this is crushing or overwhelming, but I'm feeling kinda beat-down right now. And some of that is my fault. How, you ask? Well, because I keep forgetting that it isn't about me. Things people say and do and how they behave...not about me. Even if sometimes it is. Even though I try awfully hard to make it about me. I'm tired. I'm sad. I want things I can't have. Please don't think of me as ungrateful. I know how lucky I am, and I've written about that before. I'm thrilled with so many things. But isn't it human nature to want more? To desire something other than what we have? It's hard to fight that, even in times of true contentment. And I'm far from content right now.

OFH2 and I are in a weird place right now. There's pressure, there's stress, he's on his way out of the country for another deployment and is so stressed-out, he's actually looking forward to it. With everything he's carrying around, I sort of get that. But selfishly, it makes me sad because he won't be near me again, and possibly for a very long time. I want time with him--just a couple of hours or so, for a meal, drinks, or a cup of coffee. I have fears that cannot be addressed and I just want to see him again for a little bit before he's gone again. It's been about 5 years since I saw him last, and it's been too long. Because in spite of my...oh, let's call it obsession...and our long-running history of flirtation and missed opportunities, he's my friend. And above anything else, I'm his friend. I'd like to be there for him. If not now, when? This is not to much to ask, and yet...it is. But you know what? In the end, it's not about me. As much as I would like it to be, it's not about me.

Shit, this isn't helping. There are things I am thinking about that I can't talk about. Things I need that I can't ask for. Things I want that I have no right to want. I miss people. I miss places. I'm wallowing in memories and clinging to fantasies and just wishing for a slightly better reality. And then I feel like an asshole because I know how much better off I am than so many others. So again, even when it is about me, it's not about me.

And I know that other people are busy and stressed out too, and that they have other things going on and sometimes the timing just sucks. You guessed it...Not about me.

Maybe I'm just tired and stressed-out and overwhelmed with work and emotional flotsam and I need a nap. Or a vacation. Or a drink. Or...well, you get the idea. And quite frankly, there's nothing that anyone can say or do to fix it. I just have to keep my head up and work it out, or plow through it, or whatever, until I'm in a better place emotionally.

Thanks for suffering with me, and I'm sorry for such a whiney blog. I'll try to do better next time.

Gratefully,
Lola