Let me preface this by saying something: I'm writing this blog because this is the stuff I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT. OK? So I'm writing to get it out. I'm not going to call any of you and weep through a lame conversation about how lonely I am. I'm not going to show up at your house and talk about how much I miss...them. Yes, them...I'll get there in a minute. So when you read this, DO NOT MENTION IT TO ME. If you have a comment, great, put it on here or on Facebook. But I know...I KNOW that there are those of you who will say, "you can talk to me anytime, you know" and yes, I know that. BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Don't you understand that some things are just too painful and/or too unsavory to be spoken aloud? SO DON'T BRING IT UP? MMMMMKAY? Alright. Now we've got that settled, let's move on.
I'm so lonely right now, it's physically painful. It's bone-deep. The kind of lonely that there's not enough wine and chocolate in the world to cure it. Yes, there's the obvious, that the DH is not here. But also one of my favorite exes (the one I broke up with to marry the DH--he's still a very close friend) just deployed for the 4th or 5th time. Oh, and OFH#2? Yup, he's also deploying again...his 3rd or 4th time. So literally ALL my husbands are out of the country at once. And I'm still dealing with the emotional shut-down of OFH#2...I know what we have and I refuse to give up on it. I will continue to fight until he finally does tell me to "fuck off." I haven't heard that yet, and as a matter of fact have been encouraged by OFH#2 to stick around. I just wish he would let me in a little bit more. Ah well...the only proof I have that I'm not going anywhere is to just be patient and not go anywhere. I'll be here, if you're reading this, OFH#2...No matter what. So don't ignore that if you're ever in need.
And of course, what would one of my blogs be without mention of DA? Yes, I still miss him. Right now, it's so much more the friendship than the flirting. I had someone who knew & understood me, to whom I could speak about anything without judgment. Of course, the sexual tension just made the conversations more interesting. Plus there was so much reassurance in the flirtation...I'm running low on tension-filled male contact right now, and I don't like it.
The sting of rejection from Adam Levine has lessened very much over time. But I'm not going to lie...it still REALLY hurts my feelings to be rejected so completely for no good reason. To wonder if people think I'm psycho because they didn't get the fun part of the whole thing. I'm trying to subvert it ya'll, I really am. I'm striving for glorious indifference. I'll get there. Eventually.
Oh how I miss all my boys. On a positive note, though, I DO have a new fake boyfriend! His nickname is Puma Bait. He swears to represent for the younger men. He's TOTALLY adorable. He's a little bit different from the others, though, in that he's married and has a baby. He says his wife is totally cool like my DH is totally cool, so the flirting has a green light. However, there's no room for inappropriate text messages...*sigh* And I only get to see him when he comes to visit me...so we'll see how this all rolls out. I'll keep ya'll posted.
Now. I'm off to have another drink and go to bed.
Love,
Lola
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
indignant.
I am indignant. I'm indignant about religion, about the rights of others that are constantly violated around the world, about dumb fucking morons at work who make my life difficult. I'm indignant that anyone feels they have the right to judge me. I don't judge anyone unless they say something fucktarded to me or they're wearing socks with sandals. (Oh, and I will judge a man for wearing shorts above his knees. Can't we all just agree to abolish both of these looks forever? Good. Moving on...)
I refuse to be quiet. I refuse to nod and smile politely when people piss me off. I refuse to continue to keep my feelings to myself when a wrong needs to be righted. I'm angry. I'm offended. I'm tired. I do feel like I'm sort of constantly doing battle right now. A lot of this has to do with the circumstances of my life at the moment, and there is little I can do about it. There is only so much "going with the flow" I can maintain. So I'm willing to continue the fight for as long as it takes.
Every day, I learn more about myself. Religion is a HUGE issue for me right now. So children, let me tell you all a story, something about me you may not know:
I used to go to church. I used to sing in the church choir. I used to be a leader in our youth group. And I loved it. I loved the feeling of peace and community I got when I was worshipping and celebrating that being that Christians call "God." I felt a connection. Not just that, but for a time, I seriously considered going into the ministry as a profession. The idea of celebrating and inspiring others to feel that same connection...of performing for God, in a manner of speaking...it spoke to me. Not long after that, however, something happened that shattered my peace and comfort in that church. I do not care to get into the details of that particular fiasco at this time, but suffice it to say that as a 17-year-old being told she was not allowed to participate in the youth group anymore was unfairly devestating. I tried to find my footing again, I really did. But it was made abundantly clear to me that I was no longer welcome there. IN THE HOUSE OF GOD. What would Jesus do, indeed?
So for many years after that, I considered myself more spiritual than religious. I still liked the idea that there was something out there bigger than all the rest of us. I liked the idea that I could send my hopes and dreams, spoken aloud or silently, out into the ether and have faith that someone or something would hear me and do something about it. I saw "God" in the beauty of the world...in the colors of flowers waving in a light breeze. I felt "God" in the rays of sunshine warming my face. In the love of my friends. In the companionship of my pets. I offered up thanks to that being for all those tiny joys. I always expressed gratitude before I asked for anything, if I felt worthy of asking for anything at all. But the humanity with all it's hypocrisy and failings was what really turned me off of traditional church and the structure of organized religion. So I shrugged that off in favor of my own private form of worship.
Recently, however, I have come to believe that this life is all just a cosmic accident. We are who we are purely by accident of birth. Argue with me all you want, but that's where it all begins. I don't see the hand of a higher power in our world. I see accidents. I see anomalies. I see evil. I see hatred. I see a whole lot of shit that just doesn't make any sense. I mean, give me a break--these people who thank God for helping them through a leg of "The Amazing Race" or the people who thank God for allowing them to avoid an accident or some other catastrophe--answer me this: Does that mean God is raising a big ol' middle finger to people who didn't win that particular leg of the race? Is God saying "fuck you" to people who are in accidents or other catastrophes? "FUCK YOU, DEAD BABY, I'M A VENGEFUL GOD AND A SELFISH GOD AND IF I WANT A BABY OR A DOG OR A PERSON OR ANYTHING AT ALL I JUST TAKE IT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE I'M THE HEAD MOTHER FUCKER IN CHARGE." Extreme? Sure. But I think you get my point. People thank God when something good happens but blame each other when something bad happens. Save for that one guy, no one ever sues God when shit goes bad--people blame each other. They give all the credit to God and burden him with none of the blame. They thank him for things that make them happy and then lash out at their fellow man for not playing along with their plans. If God is all-seeing and all-knowing and in control of everything, then HE is letting or causing the bad things to happen. And don't give me any bullshit about the devil or Satan or whatever...I really don't believe in that shit, and I never did, even when I did call myself a "Christian." Frankly, that's a whole argument I don't care to get into right now. This is MY blog people, deal with it or go away. The invisible sky daddy didn't create us. Christians don't have the corner on "Heaven." We are all a cosmic accident. A smashing together of atoms and millions of years of evolutionary develpment and regression, all muddled together on this planet we call home. Nothing else explains our circumstances to my satisfaction.
So I've been calling myself a Pastafarian (if you don't know what that is, go to www.venganza.org and get educated)-slash-agnostic-slash-atheist. After watching "The Atheism Tapes," however, I've come to realize I'm more of an anti-theist. Meaning that I don't believe in organized religion at all, I don't believe in "belief" and I frankly think religion has caused much more harm than good in the world. See also "Religulous," Bill Maher's spot-on documentary about religion.
Frankly, I could write a novel about this stuff but I think others have said it before and likely said it better. It boils down to this: I don't judge anyone for what religion they practice, if they do at all. I don't try to convert anyone to my way of thinking, I only ask that they TRY to see my side of it. I have a great deal of empathy and understanding for other people. I get why some folks would be drawn to that sense of community and fellowship. However, I don't have a hole in my life that needs to be filled with that. I like my Sunday mornings quiet and peaceful. They involve coffee and CBS' Sunday Morning, the Sunday newspaper, and relaxing with my family. At the end of the proverbial day, I like to believe that I'm a good person because I choose to be. I'm not perfect, I fuckup regularly. But I learn from those mistakes and I try not to repeat them. But I try very hard to do the right thing every day. Not because I believe there's some "invisible sky daddy" wagging his finger at me from the clouds, keeping some fucking obnoxious tally on a damn abacus and waiting for my judgment day to come so he can tell me just how badly I fucked up. I do it because I believe in being a good person. I believe in love. I believe in helping people. I believe in sticking up for those who can't or won't stand up for themselves. I don't believe in anyone or anything but my own inner voice telling me how to live my life day by day. I express my love and gratitude for the people in my life. I treat every phone call with a friend or family member as though it could be our last conversation, always ending it with "I love you." But I refuse to participate in some mocked-up, cobbled-together, hypocritical practice of loving each other and judging everyone else once a week for two hours wearing fancy clothes and being judged by everyone in the place for the fancy clothes or my hair or whateverthefuck. You go your way, and I'll go mine. I walk no one's path but my own and no one else is walking mine.
That being said, I sure do love Christmas music. Don't judge me.
Love,
Lola
I refuse to be quiet. I refuse to nod and smile politely when people piss me off. I refuse to continue to keep my feelings to myself when a wrong needs to be righted. I'm angry. I'm offended. I'm tired. I do feel like I'm sort of constantly doing battle right now. A lot of this has to do with the circumstances of my life at the moment, and there is little I can do about it. There is only so much "going with the flow" I can maintain. So I'm willing to continue the fight for as long as it takes.
Every day, I learn more about myself. Religion is a HUGE issue for me right now. So children, let me tell you all a story, something about me you may not know:
I used to go to church. I used to sing in the church choir. I used to be a leader in our youth group. And I loved it. I loved the feeling of peace and community I got when I was worshipping and celebrating that being that Christians call "God." I felt a connection. Not just that, but for a time, I seriously considered going into the ministry as a profession. The idea of celebrating and inspiring others to feel that same connection...of performing for God, in a manner of speaking...it spoke to me. Not long after that, however, something happened that shattered my peace and comfort in that church. I do not care to get into the details of that particular fiasco at this time, but suffice it to say that as a 17-year-old being told she was not allowed to participate in the youth group anymore was unfairly devestating. I tried to find my footing again, I really did. But it was made abundantly clear to me that I was no longer welcome there. IN THE HOUSE OF GOD. What would Jesus do, indeed?
So for many years after that, I considered myself more spiritual than religious. I still liked the idea that there was something out there bigger than all the rest of us. I liked the idea that I could send my hopes and dreams, spoken aloud or silently, out into the ether and have faith that someone or something would hear me and do something about it. I saw "God" in the beauty of the world...in the colors of flowers waving in a light breeze. I felt "God" in the rays of sunshine warming my face. In the love of my friends. In the companionship of my pets. I offered up thanks to that being for all those tiny joys. I always expressed gratitude before I asked for anything, if I felt worthy of asking for anything at all. But the humanity with all it's hypocrisy and failings was what really turned me off of traditional church and the structure of organized religion. So I shrugged that off in favor of my own private form of worship.
Recently, however, I have come to believe that this life is all just a cosmic accident. We are who we are purely by accident of birth. Argue with me all you want, but that's where it all begins. I don't see the hand of a higher power in our world. I see accidents. I see anomalies. I see evil. I see hatred. I see a whole lot of shit that just doesn't make any sense. I mean, give me a break--these people who thank God for helping them through a leg of "The Amazing Race" or the people who thank God for allowing them to avoid an accident or some other catastrophe--answer me this: Does that mean God is raising a big ol' middle finger to people who didn't win that particular leg of the race? Is God saying "fuck you" to people who are in accidents or other catastrophes? "FUCK YOU, DEAD BABY, I'M A VENGEFUL GOD AND A SELFISH GOD AND IF I WANT A BABY OR A DOG OR A PERSON OR ANYTHING AT ALL I JUST TAKE IT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE I'M THE HEAD MOTHER FUCKER IN CHARGE." Extreme? Sure. But I think you get my point. People thank God when something good happens but blame each other when something bad happens. Save for that one guy, no one ever sues God when shit goes bad--people blame each other. They give all the credit to God and burden him with none of the blame. They thank him for things that make them happy and then lash out at their fellow man for not playing along with their plans. If God is all-seeing and all-knowing and in control of everything, then HE is letting or causing the bad things to happen. And don't give me any bullshit about the devil or Satan or whatever...I really don't believe in that shit, and I never did, even when I did call myself a "Christian." Frankly, that's a whole argument I don't care to get into right now. This is MY blog people, deal with it or go away. The invisible sky daddy didn't create us. Christians don't have the corner on "Heaven." We are all a cosmic accident. A smashing together of atoms and millions of years of evolutionary develpment and regression, all muddled together on this planet we call home. Nothing else explains our circumstances to my satisfaction.
So I've been calling myself a Pastafarian (if you don't know what that is, go to www.venganza.org and get educated)-slash-agnostic-slash-atheist. After watching "The Atheism Tapes," however, I've come to realize I'm more of an anti-theist. Meaning that I don't believe in organized religion at all, I don't believe in "belief" and I frankly think religion has caused much more harm than good in the world. See also "Religulous," Bill Maher's spot-on documentary about religion.
Frankly, I could write a novel about this stuff but I think others have said it before and likely said it better. It boils down to this: I don't judge anyone for what religion they practice, if they do at all. I don't try to convert anyone to my way of thinking, I only ask that they TRY to see my side of it. I have a great deal of empathy and understanding for other people. I get why some folks would be drawn to that sense of community and fellowship. However, I don't have a hole in my life that needs to be filled with that. I like my Sunday mornings quiet and peaceful. They involve coffee and CBS' Sunday Morning, the Sunday newspaper, and relaxing with my family. At the end of the proverbial day, I like to believe that I'm a good person because I choose to be. I'm not perfect, I fuckup regularly. But I learn from those mistakes and I try not to repeat them. But I try very hard to do the right thing every day. Not because I believe there's some "invisible sky daddy" wagging his finger at me from the clouds, keeping some fucking obnoxious tally on a damn abacus and waiting for my judgment day to come so he can tell me just how badly I fucked up. I do it because I believe in being a good person. I believe in love. I believe in helping people. I believe in sticking up for those who can't or won't stand up for themselves. I don't believe in anyone or anything but my own inner voice telling me how to live my life day by day. I express my love and gratitude for the people in my life. I treat every phone call with a friend or family member as though it could be our last conversation, always ending it with "I love you." But I refuse to participate in some mocked-up, cobbled-together, hypocritical practice of loving each other and judging everyone else once a week for two hours wearing fancy clothes and being judged by everyone in the place for the fancy clothes or my hair or whateverthefuck. You go your way, and I'll go mine. I walk no one's path but my own and no one else is walking mine.
That being said, I sure do love Christmas music. Don't judge me.
Love,
Lola
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